I am not entirely sure whether it was I who was seeking Jesus or it was He who found me… maybe both.
As far back as I can recall my own conscience, I remember a deep desire to never fall into the worldly race: university, a well paid job, start a family, all that lifestyle stood up like a huge mountain. Panikkar’s reflection works well here because he substitutes the more traditional fuga mundi (escaping from the world) by fleeing from the system. The system, the world, as it appeared to me, just was not my thing. And the Church would not have seemed it either, given the fact that I was the son of a militant communist.
Today, from the perspective acquired through the passage of time, I subscribe to Panikkar’s words: “Since my early youth I have always felt like a monk, but one without a monastery, or at least without walls…, without a habit, or at least without vestments other than those worn by the human family. Yet even these vestments had to be discarded, because all cultural clothes are only partial revelations of what they conceal: the pure nakedness of total transparency, only visible to the simple eye of the pure in heart”. But, where to go? Who to go with? I felt somewhat lost.
In my case, I felt this need to change, when I was in high school. I was a bad student mainly due to a lack of drive, and, why hide it, also lack of wit. So when I failed three subjects at school my parents got alarmed and, I am not entirely sure how, against my wishes, I ended up in a parish with a group of students who met to review their pending subjects. It was there that I first met Paco and others, with whom we now form the Missionary Community of Saint Paul the Apostle. I remember that, in spite of my prejudices against the Catholic Church, mine was a love at first sight. This was what I had been seeking and I was staying put. Thus began a long adventure, taking me to Turkana, Kenya famously acclaimed in bold travellers’ books as one of the remotest places on the planet. There I stayed for nearly 20 years and now I am in Malawi the “warm heart of Africa”, where I assist to run a parish reaching to 49 communities trying to get involved in they personal and community development
What seduced me? I like the words of Cardinal van Thuan “I have left everything to follow Jesus, because I love Jesus’ defects”. His first defect, he has a terrible memory and forgives the sinful woman who anoints his feet with perfume (Lk 7,47) and praises the father who welcomes the prodigal son after he had squandered all his inheritance (Lk 15, 18–24). His second defect, Jesus doesn’t know maths, he abandons the 99 sheep to look for the lost one (Lk 15, 4-7). Third defect, Jesus doesn’t know logic. The lady who lost a drachma spends much more in celebrating that she found it (Lk 5, 8–10). Fourth defect, Jesus is a risk-taker; he promises trials and persecutions (Mt 5, 3-12). Fifth defect, Jesus doesn’t understand finances: he pays the same to those who have worked the whole day in the vineyard as to those who came at the last hour (Mt 20, 1–6). But why does Jesus have these defects? Because he is love, “Real love does not reason, does not measure, does not create barriers, does not calculate, does not remember offenses, and does not impose conditions”.
The Gospel is something that, if not shared, withers. If in some way Jesus and his defects seduced me, it was through the mediation of specific people. Along my way, I have met many others who at one level or another are also searching. I think that when we, the labourers, live in love, and strive to awaken longings which gush forth from the treasure of living the Gospel raw in the flesh, Jesus will then seek out many others who set themselves on the road. That is why I desire to love and keep going ahead till my days come to an end.
Fernando Aguirre, MCSPA
References
1. Raimundo Panikkar. Elogio de la Sencillez. Estella: EVD, 1993. p. 148
2. Ibídem. p. 14
3. Francis Xavier Van Thuan Nguyen. Testigos de Esperanza. Madrid: Ed. Ciudad Nueva, 2001. p. 26
4. Ibídem. p. 25-31
